Small Goal

My accomplishments with the mean old scale....

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

A real roller coster: A long time coming...

Well this is a really personal blog for me today. I have some family that do read my blog and I would hope that they keep this to themselves. If you can not please DO NOT read on.

This is the blog about my life and my ever gaining weight problems..

When I was a child I was severely sexual, physically and emotionally abuse by my father. I grew up in fear of life. I relied on my grandparents and mom for structure. I do not know when the abuse started or when the abuse ended... My mother told me that whenever my dad held me I would either puke on him or pee on him. She also told me that he almost killed me when I was 5. I remember praying to be fat. I wanted to be fat so bad I tried to eat more and more. I wanted this so bad so that I would be ugly but also because my mom went to TOPS every tuesday. For those who do not know what this is it was simular to weight watchers. This was when most of the sexual abuse would happen. The physical and emotional abuse was on going.. He could have just had a bad day and would smack me. I was called a slut, lazy no good for nothing, and on and on it would go... I can not believe what I went through as a child. To this day a lot of it is a blur. I have forgotten a huge part of my childhood, which saddens me. I could go on and on about this but lets move on. I am just trying to write out my reasons for such bad body image and the way that I hate myself sometimes.

When I was in grade 1 I know it was grade one because I was carrying a our textbook helicopters are for flying. I had an older student pull me into the bushes and forced me to make out with him. He did everything imaginable that you can do with out taking my clothes off. All I did was freeze and leave myself.. I got up and ran home to read my book.. I have only ever told a few people about this.

I started having issues with my weight when I started my TOM at age 13. I had very painful and heavy periods. I also started to pack the weight on regardless of what my activities were. I was still also in the mode of if I am fat that no one will want me and I will not be hurt anymore. It was a huge saftey net for me... I hid behind this weight.

When I was brave enough to start dating I was date raped and again said nothing because I guess in my head I just figured that is how guys are. I continued to gain. I was still small but on the heavier side.. (what i would give to be this size again LOL)

In 1993 I want to say my sister told her boss about what my father had done to us as children. She reported it to the Police. I was an adult at this point but my other sister (2 sisters) was still living at home with my mom and dad. I was interviewed by the police and still did not want to talk about my great big secret. I do not believe I told anyone at this point about my abuse. The cop probably would not have gotten anything out of me but he said how are you going to feel if something happens to you and you could have prevented it from happening. I felt so guilty and wrong. Like I was the one who had done this to my sisters because I did not tell anyone.. After the interview I got hammered and told all my supportive friends at the time. I became a party animal. Everyone in our small town had heard about it and the poor Michelle thing went around town. There was even a petition started to hurt my father who thankfully admitted to everything my sisters and I never had to go to court... I wrote into the local paper and told the community members that they did not even ask me or my sisters how their petition would affect us. That petition mysteriously disappeared.

My father went to jail but it was during this time my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was unsure at this point what to think about it I was so wrapped up in me and myself because of my abuse. I wish I had of been there more for my mom. Another guilt that I will have to live with or ask for forgiveness for. I had moved away to another province with my one sister to get away from everything for work. When my father was released he moved back in with my mom. My mother was very religious and I believe had co-dependent issues she told us that it was not her job to judge my father that God would do that. I never held that against her. I was old enough that I did not have to live there...

I guess life was ok for me in 1996 I was into my partying days. I met a guy who at first ticked me right off. He reintroduced himself and we started dating. A few months into dating he was in a bad car accident. He shattered his hip and other serious injuries. I moved in with him and his family to help take care of him. I loved this guy and his family a lot. I was starting to feel more confident and happy with myself.

On March 15, 1997 my boyfriends sister, my sister, my boyfriend and I were in a really bad accident. SOmeone during a snow storm hit us and we were sent off the road. We hit a telephone pole and broke it off at two spots. THe other car kept on driving... I was stuck in the car and felt my boyfriends last heart beats. My sister got out and so did Crystal. I was pinned in the car for 1.5 hrs with my boyfriend who was gone. There was one little tear that slide down his check.. My sister was ok some minor injuries. Crystal a shattered hip and arm. She spend a lot of time in the hospital. I got out of the car and was packed by a cop to the ambulance. i had minor injuries. I only have one boo boo to show for the accident a bump on my forhead. After I was at the hospital I knew the doctor he had actually been the one to deliver me. I kept bugging him saying when is Jamie getting here where is he did he go to another hospital he is going to be ok.. I knew in my heart he was gone but wanted some hope. My doctor finally said I am not suppose to say anything to you but you already know the answer he is gone. My heart sank. When my mom showed up for me all I could say was I wish I was the one to die. I went home and miscarried out baby... This was a very traumatic experience for. And yes as you all may of guessed I gained weight here as well. I also did other dumb things going out with guys who I knew would never love me who would eventually physicially abuse me it was not a good phase in my life...

It got worse because this is when my momma got really sick. SHe was told pnemonia and other things but turns out her breast cancer was back but it had spread to her lungs and other areas. It was not treatable.. I was devastated and just did what I knew best avoided everything.. I did not spend a lot of time with her in those last few months.. I again have a lot of regret with this.. I went really down hill. I drank a lot.. On october 31,1997 my momma passed away from breast cancer. I was there by her side the whole time. I love my mom and wish life for her was better...

It was not until the summer of 1998 that I decide the heck with this life enough is enough. I am becoming an alcoholic going with not the greatest of guys. Not caring about my life and hating myself.. I got up one morning and decided to go to school. I applied at the college at Kamloops was accepted recieved a student loan and was off and living at student accomadations. I had a really good friend there for support and did ok.. I had a hard time fitting in and my weight was just under 200 lbs and I was not healthy. My asthma was bad and just had low selfesteem.. My friend was saying she was changing schools to a first nations school and I thought what do I have to lose. Merritt is a smaller town and I could live with Lisa. SO off we went. I started there and loved it .. IT was during this time I learned a lot about myself,.. I was accepted into the social work program and was recieveing excellant grades. This was also when I met my hubby. He worked at the fire department on reserve. At the time he was a paid captain.. I was hired as a dispatcher at the fire hall. I also would respond to calls and look after the volunteers children or bring out refreshments for the fire fighters. I loved it here.. We started dating April 1999. Our relationship went fast. We moved together int he summer and I continued school and work.. My weight continued to be an issue I went on the depoprovera birth control shot almost bleed out. Gained 30 lbs so brought me up to 230 lbs, In 2001 we had our daughter Kirstyn so beautiful.. Gained again.. Married April 22, 2001 and also found out we were prego again. Lenny was born Nov 9, 2001 nine months after his sister... I gained. Probably up to 250ish now..

It was also during this time that my hubbys job (he had moved up to chief) was changing to part time chief part time construction worker. Not his cup of tea so his second love was policing. He applied got a job and we moved. It was so quick. I had already taken a break from schooling so off we went. WE moved to mt. currie. In 2003 we took in 3 year old twins with fasd and in june 2003 their 2 day old sister also came to live with us.. This was a stressful time for me I gained some weight here as well.. In late 2003 I started the Dr. Phil weightloss plan I lost 30 pounds went from 270 to 240 got feeling sassy and went and got some new clothes nice boots and took my hubby to dinner. Well we are pretty sure that it was after this night that our 6th child was conceived. I had a hard pregnancy. I lost more weight and Joey was born 2 months early. I spent a lot of time in hospital prior to his birth.. After he was born I struggled with post partum depression as I did with my other two kiddies. I gained a whole lot of weight back... He is healthy by the way so you know.

In 2005 my hubby took a position with the vancouver police I refused to move to vancouver at this time. So I moved back to Merritt. I ended up going to visit my old instructors and ended up registered to finish my bachelors of social work. I love school.. I was so happy I was gaining back my self-confidence learning who I was. I was loving life…. It was hard because my hubby was on a 4 on 4 off schedule so he was gone 4 or 5 days at a time so I had 6 kids all under 5 and at school full time.. Crazy yes but I loved it.. In school I learned to forgive my dad and work on some of my inner demons.. I have a relationship with my dad because he is still my dad and he is my kids grandpa. Yes we have boundaries and a safety plan. The kids are never left alone with him and him and my step mom understand.. After I graduated I started working as a child protection social worker. I lasted 2 years. I burned out due to health, bad work conditions, lenny being diagnosed with autism, pnemonia twice in 6 months diagnosed with fybromyalgia and just being plan unhealthy. My hubby was now back at Mt. Currie and we continued to live half time together. It was getting hard…

Well I moved back to Mt. Currie with my hubby August 2009. I was so unhealthy. I was at my highest weight of 298 lbs and I was really unhappy. I was scheduled to do the run for the cure for breast cancer in oct and I could not even do it.. I watched my sister and friends do it.. I was so ashamed. My mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer at my age which is 35. It was after this run that I said I need to do something. Things have to change.. I was thinking of gastric bypass but my hubby was against it because his friend had died from it.. So I brought it up with my doc he suggested lapband. I went home researched and researched and yes you guessed more research.. It was also in October that my grandma passed away… With more stress comes more weight… She was my moms mom and I lived with her on and off when I was a teenager.. Love her…

So another weird thing is as I am writing this my sister called to tell me my grandpa who has dementia fell and broke his hip. The doctors are saying he may not last the surgery,… So here I am writing away to keep me from eating due to stress..

I am not writing this post for pity. I am not looking for pity.. I am learning the cause of my weight issues and here it is in black and white… I have learned that I am a strong person I can live through most things… I can learn through lives experiences and as my aunt and mom would say what does not kill you makes you stronger. I have been through a lot but look what I have. I have a loving family husband and 6 of the best kids out there… Yes I have bad days and these are the days I rely on you and my other supports. So thank you for being here for me.

A special thanks to::

My hubby Len

Aunty Arlene

Aunty Shirely

Crystal who is the sister to my fiancé that passed away. We are sister in every way but blood. She is the one who helped me get the financing in place for my surgery to save my life. I love her to bits.

Pam my office mom

I am also writing this post to ask for some extra support on Thursday I went into see the doctor for a female check up. I was having some spotting which I should not have due to my hysto. She found a small polyp on my cervix I only had a partial hysto. She also did a breast exam and found a lump in my breast. So yes I am freaked here my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at 35 my age. I am keeping calm. But just need some support. I go for my ultrasound and mammogram on Friday.. I was suppose to go for one every year but have neglected it for the last 3 years due to stress and business.. But I will be ok. It is probably a cyst or something like that..

Well all have a great day.. I probably lost a lot of readers along the way this is such along post…


  1. What a sad story. Good for you for finding peace. I will say my prayers for you. I hope your tests are negative.

  2. "my mommy Michelle"
    I love you
    My prayers are always with you - you are my friend, my sister and most of all, my blessing!

    All will be good I am here for you-love you dearly-I believe in you, in your strength you are a powerful strong woman-one of the strongest in my life-you are protected in my eyes...

  3. Michelle-I am getting ready to go teach a class, but I just read this entire post, paying very close attention to every word you wrote. I know by sharing your story you will change a life. And I know that probably was not the point. I know you are not looking for pity, but by sharing we know you better and understand you more. I can't imagine what you have gone through and find it amazing that now you are coming out on the other side. You will be healthier and happier now.

    I am glad I am on this journey with you.

  4. Michelle - it shows a tremendous amount of strength to be able to share your story and bare all. This is your time. I am with you in your journey. I believe that your life is what makes you the person you are - and because of what you have had to endure you are strong, determined, caring, aware and priceless. I hope the mammogram and check-up show good results and that there is nothing worrisome going on. I will be praying for you!

    Like Amy W., I am glad I am on this journey with you!

  5. Absolutely amazing! I am here if you need anything whatsover! You have been blessed with amazing children and a husband! Stay strong and POSITIVE! Life is good and you look great!

  6. Wow, you are one strong gal. And I hope your results come back fine. I am glad you posted this. Just hard to explain at work why I have tears streaming down my cheeks.

    You haven't lost us. We are here for you, anytime.

  7. I just started following your blog and what an emotional story! Thank you for sharing such a big part of your life with everyone. It was very touching. I have friends who went through many of the things you talked about in your childhood and I can only imagine the hardship you have taken on with those memories. I am very sorry about your mother. I lost my Grandmother (my mother in heart) just last month and I loved her with my whole heart. It is difficult to cope but it happens slowly but surely. You are very brave and strong. I am glad you have made it through so far and I am sure you will continue on. I will pray for you and your tests.

  8. Thank you for sharing your story. Please keep us posted with the spotting/lump issues. That is pretty scary, but you can get through it.

  9. Thanks everyone for all the great comments. Chin up and keep smiling like I always say.. LOL

    I will post what happens on Friday for everyone..

  10. Michelle,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. You are a very strong woman and have been through more than your share. I'm so impressed by your outlook & spirit.

  11. Michelle,
    I am a new reader having found you through Sandy... but ohhh myyy. I sit here after hanging on your every word and I'm teary. Honest to goodness teary... this story just broke my heart. But with every story that makes you feel this way, there is the ray of sunshine coming through. And that would be you. What you endured (and those around you) have made you who you are today. An incredibly strong woman with a passion for life. I just want to say how much I admire you... (and for having 6 children under a young age.. yow.. I have four and that was hard enough!!)... and I really look forward to your next post.
    Cara xx

  12. Wow...just wow. God bless you Michelle. I'll keep you in my prayers that all works out for you at the Dr.

  13. Michelle, I think just by writing all this down you have released some of this past. What a powerful person you are, and you sound so ready to get healthy and change. I wish you nothing but the best. I'll be thinking of you this week and hope all turns out well with the doctor.

  14. and special thanks to my baby sister Penny... Love you sista and hope you are doing okay, I am thinking of you and know that the lump will be nothing serious. Possitive thinking remember! Love you

  15. Michelle - as you can see you didn't 'lose' anyone from writing a long post, quite the opposite. You write from the heart, and despite the hurt and the problems you've had you are upbeat and know that things are going to get better. This blog world is wonderful therapy, or perhaps I should call it the Great Sisterhood of cyberspace. We can all come together to say we're there for you - which we are. Please keep blogging and tell us how you are.